We’re just in this really awkward stage of a lot of unknowns right now. We try to play it off, we try our best to be normal. We’re actually getting pretty good at pretending, I even fool myself into actually believing it sometimes. It’s like we’re stuck in-between two barriers and we don’t know how to find our way out. We’re trapped and we’re not quite sure what to do. We don’t even know if we actually want to find our way out or continue on in this state of confusion. I think our biggest obstacle is fear. We fear the unknown, it’s natural, there’s nothing new about that. I wish we never arrived at this situation. The choice we have to make is too difficult and daunting, but I’m not sure how much longer we can go on like this. We have grown together. Things between us are not as simple as they once were. Feelings are now involved and emotions are running high. The stakes are unbelievable. We’re both just waiting for the other person to make the first move. Neither of us wants to say or do the wrong thing. So instead, we both do nothing. We go on trying to cover everything up. I’m tired of this game already. I’m done with these poker faces. I want something more and I know you do too. I know you’re scared, but so am I. We can do this, we can be together. It’s now or never. We can no longer torture ourselves with these wondering thoughts. So go ahead, put me out of my misery. 

Sometimes I stay up all night just imagining how my life would be if we were together. I wonder how you would act, how I would act. What would our day to day life be like? I plan out every little detail as if it were really happening. I try to think of what you would say to me. I make you into the perfect guy. I know you are nothing like how I imagine you to be. In fact I’m not even how I imagine myself to be. I know things between us will never work out. Wait, maybe one day they will. I want to keep a little bit of hope. I know if we both matured a little bit we would be absolutely perfect together. I always think about the times we were together and I think thoroughly about everything that happened. I remember what you said and how I replied to it. I wonder if there was a secret meaning behind what you were saying. I remember how you touched me and I wonder what was going through your mind. I still remember waking up and just watching you sleep. You smiled in your sleep and I have always wondered what you were smiling about. I like to believe you were thinking about me. I don’t know why I always seem to think about you. Do you think about me often? You have no idea how happy I get whenever you call or text me. It’s actually kind of sad. I care about you so much. You say you care about me too, but I don’t know how true that really is. So yeah, I’m just going to go back to thinking about our perfect fictional relationship. Maybe one day it will become a reality. Actually, I don’t need you to be perfect I like you just the way you are.

Today I realized that I’ve started having feelings for you again. I think it started when you gave me your shirt to sleep in, I felt so warm and safe in it. I always imagined that a boy would give me his shirt to sleep in, and you did, and so I started loving you  —maybe just because it reminded me of something that would happen in a book and I am in love with fiction and things that are made up. I think I love you, but you will hear nothing of this.

Do you ever have those moments when you are completely overwhelmed by sadness? It engulfs every fiber of your being. It feels as if you will never be able to escape it. You feel broken down. You feel as if you’re so far down the hole that you will never be able to find your way out. You have a million thoughts flooding your mind and you feel like nobody quite understands what you’re going through, that’s because that is the truth. Nobody will ever be able to grasp exactly what you’re feeling at any given moment, but believe me when I tell you that you’re never alone. Someone is there for you, you just need to let them in. Knock down all those sky high walls you’ve built. Everybody gets sad sometimes, but just try to remember that no matter how dark things seem the light will always make it’s comeback. 

I’ve always wanted to have a dream wall in my room. By this I mean I want to fill one wall in my room up with different dream catchers and whenever someone sleeps over I will have them write down what they dreamt about on a piece of paper and pin it to the wall. So every subconscious thought that someone has ever experienced in my room will be recorded and be part of it’s walls forever.

I have a few things I need to tell you. Things that might seem small and insignificant, but I need you to know how I feel. You always tell me you need no praise, you need nothing in return for all you’ve done, but I think you deserve everything your heart desires and more. Because well, to put it simply, you mean everything to me. You walked into my life at the moment I needed you most. You walked in when it seemed like the rest of the world was walking out on me. You let me know I wasn’t alone. You let me know someone genuinely cared. You were there, you were there. Another thing is, I feel so comfortable around you. It’s like I can really be myself, no cover-ups, no hiding. I never have to pretend when I am around you. I can tell you anything and that alone has forever changed me. You help me with every problem I have. You never throw anything in my face or use the information i’ve supplied you with to sabotage me. Every moment I spend with you is filled with nothing but happiness. You always make me laugh; that does wonders for my soul. And you can always tell when something is wrong. I can never lie to you when it comes to that. It’s like you can see straight through my false words. You always know just what to say to make it all okay, even if it is only a short time fix, it helps. What i’m really trying to say is, well, I love you. Thank you for everything. 

Never will I let anyone know that I’m still hung up on you. They can’t know I’m still not over you. Never again will I talk about you as if you’re my everything. Even though this will be the hardest thing I ever have to do, I must stop loving you. Never again will I spend my nights crying over you. You will never get another call from me, begging you to come back. I will never again drop everything for you. Never again will I utter your name. I won’t ever let anyone walk all over me like you did. You constantly built me up just to watch me fall. I will no longer give you that control. I promise you all these things, and unlike you, I won’t break my promises. At this moment I feel completely crushed and defeated, but I know that one day I will look back on all of this and realize just how fuckin’ naive I was to ever believe in you, in us. I believed every single one of your lies and I always hoped that you would change. I thought I was enough, but I suppose I was wrong. I’ll admit it though, you broke my heart; I will give you that. But I am thankful for that and if I could go back do do everything I did all over again, I know I wouldn’t do a single thing different. Because truth be told, you taught me a lot. You thought you broke me, but in reality you only made me stronger. You made me realize what is worth fighting for and what is better off just being let go. You made me feel a sense of loss for something I didn’t really have in the first place; you taught me the meaning of disappointment, because well, that’s all you really were.

Daphne is a girl that most would consider strange but I will just call her eccentric. She is not the typical beauty but there is something about her face that draws you in and just makes you wonder about things you’ve never given a thought to before. Maybe that is why people rather not associate with her; people just prefer to be simple minded. Daphne kept to herself. Her diary and the graveyard were her only companions. After her parents died in a tragic car accident the graveyard became a second home to her. It brought her comfort and tranquility. Daphne met many new friends at the graveyard. I am one of them. We accepted her for exactly who she was. No judgment from us. She shared her deepest thoughts and read out loud every word that filled the pages of her diaries. She returned everyday and with every visit she gained a new companion. Our friendship began to spread farther than just this tombstone filled grass. I began following her everywhere. I slept by her bedside. I went with her to school. I consumed her every thought. She couldn’t sleep without seeing me. The friend she once seen in me was now just too overbearing. She couldn’t keep any thoughts to herself, I was inside her mind. After awhile it was not only me that consumed her every being it was everyone who was six feet under the ground. We all seen something in her. Something that could not be denied. Something that could not be hidden. We knew she belonged with us. She knew she belonged to us. She tried to fight it. She had nobody in this world to turn to. We were all she had but she was still unsure if she was ready to join us. A human can only be worn down so much though. When your thoughts are no longer your own you can be easily persuaded to do the unthinkable. After months of telling daphne how I am so much happier in my grave, how it keeps me warm at night, how I am now invincible, how i am now free, she figured she was ready to finally feel the same way. She was tired of fighting. She had been fighting all her life. So when she came to the graveyard, like she did everyday after school, she seen the grave I had dug for her. She laid down inside of it. She felt the cold dirt on her skin. She looked up at the sky one last time. She was taking every sight in. She seen how the wind moved the leaves in such a way that she had never noticed before. She took a deep breath and felt the air fill her lungs. Her mind was racing. She knew she would be happier once she was on the other side with me. She wanted to feel secure and untouchable for once in her life. I began burying her alive. She had the biggest smile on her face. She didn’t hesitate at all. As I put the last bit of dirt on her I felt her spirit brush by me. I knew she was with me forever now. I lay to rest next to her. Daphne knew she was no longer alone. She had made the right choice. We can share things that nobody else would understand. Our bodies may be decomposing and becoming part of this earth but our minds are stronger than ever, our thoughts are forever living.

Daphne and I seen a new girl in the graveyard today. She was crying in front of an unfamiliar tombstone. Her name is emma. I can see the years of torture built up behind her eyes. I think she might be our new friend.

All of this resentment towards you is slowly building up inside of me. I don’t know if it’s really your fault at all though. I put all the blame on myself. I’ve never been much of a talker, at least not when it comes to things like this. I let them build up. I let the tension rise until it is no longer bearable, until things just explode and everything goes to shit. That’s just how i’ve always been. I’m not good at confronting the people that mean the most to me and I guess that will always be my downfall. You think I’d learn from the problems this has caused me in the past, but I just cannot muster the courage to tell you exactly how I am feeling. My biggest fear is that you will just walk away, that you will realize this is all too much for you, because well, that’s all anyone ever does is leave. I’ve become all too familiar with heartbreak. I’ve always been the jealous type, even though I try my hardest not to let those tendencies show, they lash out because they are always forced to be repressed. I also tend to dwell on things. I can never let things go, I think about them forever. I have these demons inside of me. They are tearing apart my insides, just waiting to break free. I have all these bad qualities. I destroy myself. All of this resentment towards you is slowly building up inside of me. I don’t know if it’s really your fault at all though. I put all the blame on myself. I’ve never been much of a talker, at least not when it comes to things like this. I let them build up. I let the tension rise until it is no longer bearable, until things just explode and everything goes to shit. That’s just how i’ve always been. I’m not good at confronting the people that mean the most to me and i guess that will always be my downfall. You think I’d learn from the problems this has cause me in the past, but I just cannot muster the courage to tell you exactly how I am feeling. My biggest fear is that you will just walk away, that you will realize this is all too much for you, because well, that’s all anyone ever does is leave. I’ve become all too familiar with heartbreak. I’ve always been the jealous type, even though i try my hardest not to let those tendencies show, they lash out because they are always forced to be repressed. I also tend to dwell on things. I can never let things go, I think about them forever. I have these demons inside of me. They are tearing apart my insides, just waiting to break free. I have all these bad qualities. I destroy myself.